When I felt like “mum”

It took me a while,

I’ll be the first to admit,

But when I saw your smile,

I knew I’d remember it.

Not the way your one cheek dimpled,

Not the way your smiling eyes sparkled,

Not the way the sides of your gummy mouth tilted upwards…

I mean, the way I finally felt like mum.

I felt like mum while I pushed with all my might.

I felt like mum on all of those sleepless nights.

I felt like mum the first time I held you close.

I felt like mum even when I felt gross.

I felt like mum despite not having a shower or a cleanse.

I felt like mum when I saw you through the sonographer’s lens.

I felt like mum when I felt the first kick.

I felt like mum every morning while I was sick…

I feel like mum, and I remember it

I remember it when you cry,

I remember it when I cry,

I remember it when we play and when we’re too tired to play.

I remember it at morning, noon and night,

I remember it when you love me and when we’ve had a fight.

I love being mum and everything it means,

You’ll remember how much I love you – the greatest love you’ve ever seen.

Mental Health Monday: a poem for my daughter…

Depression is a friend of mine.

I know it’s hard to understand,
But there’s something that I must explain:
From the first moment that I first held your hand,
I was overwhelmed with pain.
I’m a mum without a mum,
And in a way I always was,
So meeting you on the outside
Was terrifying.
Your arrival meant her arrival,
Untimely, and unwanted
Just like me.
The loneliness consumed me…
I didn’t know how to be.
I was now a mother, determined not to let you down,
Spurred on to be the best I could with no role models around.
Two short weeks and your dad left, too,
Back to work he went.
I guess a part of me always knew
That I wouldn’t cope –
Would have no hope –
For anything getting better.
My dark days became darker.
I let you down, and couldn’t forgive myself.
I should have fought harder,
But a first-time mum is never believed,
Never listened to,
And never taken seriously.
My downward spiral became far worse,
And I didn’t know when it would end.
I felt like I had no-one,
No family. No friends.
And now I’m in that dark place once more,
But I’m trying to make a change.
I want to learn how to be my best
And to feel okay again.
I love you so much, with all my heart,
And I doubt that you’ll ever see
Just how important you are in my life,
For, without you, how could I be me?
I’ve learned to be your mummy
In spite of all the trouble
And I love you and myself now,
In fact, nothing can burst our happy bubble.
I may be facing darkness
But you give me light
And when my hope is flickering
It’s you that makes me fight.

 Monday Stumble Linky

Tales From Mamaville

Thinking about you…

Harriet’s thoughts on motherhood…

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THINKING ABOUT YOU

The following words are a cliché, but I promise they’re all true…

I never really knew who I was, or what I wanted to be until the day I held you.

At first, just your existence made me feel complete as you thrived from within my tummy.

But since you’ve been born, I love you more every day. Nothing beats being your Mummy.

I don’t think that I’d ever be able to fully describe the adoration that I have for you.

But my sweet girl, I hope I’ll be able to prove it, in all of the things I do.

Knowing that I managed to make something, so unbelievably perfect fills me with pride.

I know that being a mummy can be daunting, almost scary at times- but I’m loving my little tour guide.

Showing you off to the world makes me so proud, you’re so beautiful, so intricate, so clever and so chatty.
I don’t know what I did to deserve such an incredible princess, but I’ve never been so happy.
Your toothy grin and your little laugh- everything you do, I completely adore, no matter how strange.

Everything I do, I do for you. Baby girl, that’ll never change.

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