Five years later…

“Suicide does end the chances of life getting worse. But it does eliminate the chances of it ever getting better”

It’s that time of year again. Maybe sometime, I’ll shut up about it. But all the time I know that I might be helping someone else by talking about my experiences, I’ll share them.

  • In April 2011, I started to notice severe symptoms of depression within myself, after 5 years of battling with self harm.
  • December 2012, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given 6 months of Sertraline.
  • May 15th 2013, my mental illness took over and I decided to act on my negative feelings in attempt to end everything, as a result I was hospitalised.
  • A minimum of six disastrous months on several antidepressants that did nothing for me.
  • March 26th 2016, I was diagnosed with PND, GAD and PTSD following a traumatic labour.
  • June 2016, it was suggested that I could have BPD
  • 1 year of mirtazapine and a 4 stone weight gain.
  • January 29th 2018, I was diagnosed with Cyclothymic disorder (a milder, yet more chronic form of Bipolar Disorder) and Borderline Personality Disorder.

To me May 15th 2013 was like a semi colon (;) , representing where my story could have ended, but instead continued.

Five years on is such a bitter sweet feeling. Not only am I proud, when I think about how far I’ve come. But I am pained when I think that it’s taken me 5 years to get close to the help that I need and deserve.

The contrast between wanting to die and not being able to – with wanting to be alive and almost dying numerous times due to things that are out of your control is terrifying. It really reiterates how quickly your life can go full circle in such a short space of time.

I remember, sitting there in hospital wishing that I’d have died. Wishing so much that I could have just let go. I was convinced that I’d never get better. That I’d never feel better. That I’d never get a correct diagnosis. That i’d never get the help that I needed. I was in the bottom of a pit. There wasn’t a way out.

I have received my correct diagnosis and had many other mental health struggles since my most serious suicide attempt. I’d go as far to say that life since has been harder than I ever imagined. My pain hadn’t peaked on that night, I didn’t realise the depths of despair I’d get to – but my resilience and strength has just kept growing. Of course my mental health relapses due to the cyclical nature of my diagnoses. But, even when I feel like the worst person in the world with nowhere to go- I look at my baby and know that I at least got something right. Her smiles brighten my day and her laugh brings tears of joy to my eyes. Most days, just getting out of bed hurts and exhausts me so much I can barely carry on. but I constantly WORK so HARD to just keep going.

Anyone can go through a mental health issues or illnesses, it’s a hell of an ordeal. Recovery can be lifelong. Most days are a challenge, but there’s always days worth fighting for. This is anything but a cry out for attention, I just want anyone going through the same to know they’re not alone. Your experiences make you, who you are. You owe it to yourself to live for another day and give yourself another chance.

“Keep strong little fighter, soon it’ll be brighter.”

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A Reflection and Hopes for the Future

s my daughter’s 2nd birthday approaches, I’ve found myself reflecting on the last 2 years as a mother. Things I could have done better, times when my daughter made me so proud and times when I felt like giving up.

As my daughter’s 2nd birthday approaches, I’ve found myself reflecting on the last 2 years as a mother. Things I could have done better, times when my daughter made me so proud and times when I felt like giving up.
In the 2 years Evie has been here, she has grown so much and made me the proudest I have ever been. Sure, she has her days but I wouldn’t change her for the world.

Things I wish I had done better:
• I wish I had taken more pictures with her. I have thousands of pictures of Evie but very few with me and her, and the ones I do have are unexpected selfies with her looking very bewildered.
• I wish I had done more with her. We spent a lot of time at home or at grandparents houses, so going out and doing more things with her would have been lovely!
• I wish I had more patience with her. I found myself getting frustrated if she wouldn’t feed, if she was misbehaving or just generally having a bad day. She was probably not even that bad but at times, it felt like a disaster if she wouldn’t do something.

Proud moments:
• When Evie started crawling, I cried my eyes out. My little girl was gaining independence and growing up that little bit more. But I also cried because I was immensely proud of how much determination she had to get it done.
• Knowing that, at 2 years old, she knows around 200 words, can form some sentences and use them appropriately makes me feel so proud. She’s learning new words everyday and it’s always exciting to see what she will say next.
• Watching her with her cousins , especially her baby cousin. She will ‘look after’ her and knows when she is sad and tries to help make her happy again (usually involves screaming ‘MILK!’ at her auntie.

Hopes for the next 2 years:
• That Evie grows up to be independent and follows what she believes in, not what everybody else believes in.
• To take more pictures and urge Daddy to take more as well!
• Take Evie to experience more things. Only so much can be experienced at home and being outdoors is one of Evie’s favourite things to do.

I can’t wait to see what the next 2 years will bring and I cant believe I’m about to be a mother of a 2 year old.  I know that Evie will continue to make me as proud as she has done her whole life and I cant wait to see her learn and grow!

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